WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the outcry over the leaking of top-secret war plans, on Monday millions of Americans called for a breathalyzer to be attached to Pete Hegseth’s phone. In an emotional apology at the Pentagon, Hegseth said that someone in his position “should never drink and text, and so I am giving up texting.” According to national security experts, a journalist was given access to highly sensitive war plans that are normally available only to people using a public bathroom at Mar-a-Lago. TBR Question of the Day: What would be a better job for Pete Hegseth? Leave your answer below: A share of each subscription dollar goes to GiveWell, which supports vetted charities around the world.Now More Than Ever: Subscribe to The Borowitz Report Today.© 2025 Andy Borowitz |